43. spontaneity

Driving up the 101, there's this section of land that curves around into the ocean somewhere between Camarillo and Santa Barbara. The freeway is literally feet from the ocean, and you can see die hard surfers parking their car along the side of the highway and bringing their longboards into the waves. There are tall green hills on one side of you, and the calm, sparkling, lapping ocean on the other.

Absolutely amazing.

Fun things that happened today:
played guitar
engaged in self-discovery with Mell
began relearning "Doktor Gradus ad Parnassum" and "Deux Arabesque" on the piano
made eye contact with complete strangers and smiled
recovered from last night with a two-hr nap
had a fun conversation with Mell's security guard

quote of the day: "this one's about sex... it HAS to be about sex..."

Highlands. Crazy. It's funny how LA works sometimes. It's such a necessity to be on the guest list or the VIP list to get into these high-trafficked, posh clubs, yet even if you are on one you'll still be standing around waiting for an hour with the rest of the crowd. Had a really good time dancing with my girls and meeting Jenn's cousins and some of Stacy's ex-boyfriend's friends. Played a little game with Ian where we picked people for the other to mack on (obviously he picked guys for me and I picked girls for him)... I happened to have to hit on this guy who recognized me from over at the bar earlier because of my butt... now that's a new one. He was from Miami. What's with all these Florida guys all of a sudden? Didn't dance with him much though. Ended up meeting the assistant vice president of GE capital commercial equipment financing because he was wearing the same striped shirt as 4 other guys on the dance floor... it must've been the after-Christmas sale at J. Crew. Overall, Highlands gets a thumbs up from me but only if you actually get there early enough to not have to wait in the huge crowd. Well-mixed crowd. No one too incredibly shady. Huge dance floor so there was plenty of room most of the evening. Oh! And I got to see this one girl lunge at and punch another- think Lilo & Stitch, but with hooched-out women instead of little hawaiian girls. Ok, ears are starting to ring a little less. Time for bed. Peace.

During my last LACMA visit, I realized what it was about artwork that really captures my attention: contrast. It's all about contrast. Take a canvas--standard, two-dimensional, rigid boundaries--add contrast, and you've suddenly created the illusion of something dynamic and three-dimensional on an otherwise limited surface. There was one painting in particular at the LACMA that made me realize this. Of course I don't remember who the artist was, but it was a piece of American art showing a national park landscape. There was such a distinct contrast between the mountains in the shadowed foreground and the lightened-almost-hazy background mountains creating the unmistakable illusion of depth on an otherwise depthless plane. There was a piece of modern art that Vinita really liked. It was an elongated diamond with a blue semi-circle painted onto it. Vinita commented on how the shape was so dynamic because of the blue paint, but how it was ultimately just a diamond. What created that shape? Contrast.

So let's see what Angie's been up to lately. :)

Christmas Eve: went to the doctor's, viral count from November negative- woohoo!, feeling much better fatigue-wise, just dealing with daily headaches now, possibly being prescribed narcotics but trying to avoid that, baked rum cake, prepared tiramisu, had some family friends over for dinner, some people never change...

Christmas Day: woke up early to open presents, got my Brookstone tempur-pedic swedish foam pillow that I've been asking for for years, helped Joshua move all sets of car keys from location to location, made mashed potatoes, creamed corn, and rib roast rub, watched our Bowl game, read up on UNM's freshman fake-ID debaucle (if you're going to color xerox fake IDs at Kinkos, the least you could do is NOT LEAVE YOUR TRASH), fell asleep during the third quarter (when the Bruins actually scored their touchdowns), had dinner with extended family, saw "catch me if you can" (excellent story, love Tom Hanks, could've been executed better though, overall thumbs up)

Day after Christmas: rolled out of bed around 11, read the LA Times cover to cover, ate salad for lunch, gave Vinita a quick guitar lesson, watched part of "Center Stage" (with someone who can actually appreciate the accuracy of portraying dancers), went to South Coast Plaza w/ DPe and Shiv, ate at the Rain Forest Cafe (overrated food, good-looking customers), watched ER, watched Friends, watched Edward Norton on the Tonight Show (love him as an actor, not impressed with him on TV, even though he owns an iPod), watched Roberto Benigni on Conan (Conan wears boxer-briefs)

Day after the Day after Christmas: rolled out of bed at 11:30, had a leftover Christmas ham sandwich for lunch, went to the LACMA w/ Vinita, perused the Donald Blumberg exhibit again (I'm newly inspired to create photo collages), walked around the Grove, ate at Corner Bakery (thumbs up), went to The Lounge (Asian night- thumbs down)...

Actually, I'm going to pause for an "Asian Night" commentary:
What the hell is all of this Asian business about? I went with Mell, Jess, and Wendy. I think Wendy had a pretty good time, but Mell and Jess were as bored as I was. I can't put my finger on it though. I have never had a "bad time" going out before--it doesn't matter all that much who I'm with or what I'm wearing, I usually have a good time regardless. The night was SO LAME though. I blame it on the music--very boring, monotonous, choppy, boring, non-dynamic, boring. I guess I blame it on the crowd, though it's not like I was out there to meet people so I don't know what it is about Asian people that bother me so much. I suppose it's the air of image-oriented-ness/I'm hard... but I don't know. Mell's comment of the evening semi summed it up for me. As we were walking out of the restroom, some girl was walking in so she semi-slammed the door into me. She apologized right away, and I said "oh, it's ok" and Mell scorned me for saying "that's ok" instead of giving her the "whatever, bitch" glare... is that everyone else's mentality too? I still firmly hold onto my belief that "typicals" are the most insecure people on this earth, with the males being much more insecure than the females. Whatever. Perhaps I'll have something more profound to say on this topic later... for now I choose to avoid such settings.

Today: Went to the bball game with Matt, had a really good time, even though we lost, newfound love for Jon Crispin even though he scored less than a handful of points today, he just needs more playing time-- did you hear that Lavin??, went online to order my Lose Lavin t-shirt but found out they don't have smaller sizes, had my car searched while trying to watch a movie (Chicago but it sold out just before we got to the front of the line)

I love break.

on thermostat: not sure, but definitely not more than 60 deg
on TV: Sweet November (tried but couldn't watch it-- too painful)
on iTunes: this bed is on fire with passionate love/the neighbors complain about the noises above/but she only comes when she's on top
on me: fleece sweater, jeans, blue UCLA shirt, khaki UCLA cap

It's Friday, December 20, at about 5:18 in the afternoon. I'm hungry. I just took 71 pictures at the Getty. I'm sleepy. I have a runny nose. The house is empty and cold. I have laundry to do. I have the GRE to study for. I have Christmas presents to buy, Christmas cards to write, and Christmas presents to wrap.

You're dead inside. There are so many things about you that only I understand, because it's me. But there are so many things inside you that I never will understand, because it's me.

So just to make this as disjoint as possible, who wants to hear my Vegas story? It's too long for me to write here, but I'll give you a hint: Rain, getting into a private party for free, winning $135, my lucky dealer Shawn, Studio 54, the thong, salsa lessons, and my bargain jacket.

Every girl needs a Mell in her life. There are so many times in our life when we're so blind to what's really going on or what we're really doing. (we can be blinded by a lot of things, but usually it's our stubborn - hard - headed - of - course - I'm - always - right - and - I - know - what's - best nature). There needs to be someone out there who you trust and who you know always looks out for your best interest and who will be completely honest with you even if it's the last thing you want to hear. Those who have a Mell may get upset initially, but it will be for the better in the long run. Those who don't have a Mell... well... good luck.

Why I haven't slept well the past few nights:
4:00am- a cell phone on NY time beeped and vibrated its wake-up call
3:26am- the kitchen door blew wide open with a gust of wind
3:45am- the temperature of our house dropped about 15 degrees
3:09am- my overabundance of blankets decided to start capturing my body heat
5:01am- Pascal's van is ready for pickup
5:16am- I overhear a conversation between Elizabeth and the Super Shuttle guy
5:19am- An automated Super Shuttle call arrives
8:36am- The FedEx guy presses the gate buzzer way too long

I'm just bitching and whining... there's no other justification.

The intricacies of the letter P...
"Give me a P! Go P! Go P!"
The three P's: pen, planner, positive attitude.
The three P's: pink panty pullovers.
Madame P.
P. Diddy.
Being P.O'd.

(can you tell I don't want to write paper #3?)

Two down, two to go.
Sorority girls take SO many pictures of themselves.
Airport LIES. It LIES I tell you.
There's something to be said about crisp, cold evenings.
(Having said that) It was so cold here that I had to sleep with one down comforter, one regular comforter, and a huge sweatshirt.
Mom called me "shao bao bey."
One of my peer mentoring students gave me a hug.
Nobody knows me, no one will ever see the distance between what is and what will never be. A bird will break his wings, like a heart will cut her strings. And there isn't anything to comfort me. --Jann Arden
There is something to be said about the $5.60+tax chicken special from Maya Japanese food.
What is most upsetting is hating something about someone, and then realizing that what I've despised all along is a part of myself.

ugh, once again.
FireToledo.com!!!
hopefully that'll link right.

ok that didn't work right:

Also note in the navigation section of the page:

One of life's simple pleasures (from LoseLavin.com ):

----------
Dear Mr. Guerrero,

We would like to applaud your decision on the firing on Bob Toledo. Clearly, it was time for a change. Your quick decision has given us confidence to think that you would not hesitate to do the same thing to “Coach” Lavin. While we may have gotten a win yesterday against a crappy Long Beach State team, behind a monster performance from Kapono, it looks to be a long season for all fellow Bruin fans.

We hope that we are wrong, but clearly Lavin thinks the same as we do. After the game “Coach” Lavin made this comment…

“Clearly, we're a work in progress…We've got a long way to go but I really think that by mid-January or mid-February, we have a chance to be a pretty special squad.''

Mid-February?!?!? What?!?!? Is he kidding? It seems that Lavin is once again looking for a sweet sixteen berth to save his job. In our eyes, and in the eyes of all of our supporters, that is not acceptable. This is UCLA, not USC, not Southern Illinois, not Pepperdine. We expect more than to be a “work in progress” at the beginning of the season. Memo to “Coach” Lavin – That’s what the off-season is for!!!

Sincerely,

The Lose Lavin Guys
----------

Also note in the navigation section of the page:

From Mell's blog. Ha.
"told my friend it was okay to be a slut as long as she was proud of it
and emotionally stable enough to handle it"
(Angie=friend)

The tides have turned. The shoe is on the other foot. Potato potato.

I haven't changed. I've developed.

Brainstorming sessions must be without boundaries in order to produce creative thought.

There's buzzing about firing Toledo. finally.

Today for lunch/dinner: Tuna Helper
Today on TV: the non-upsetting Bruin loss to Washington St.
Today on iTunes: Gasoline by Jann Arden



Yesterday as toasts:
Arun - "Facing with others what we don't want to deal with alone"
Ang - "Understanding when no one else would and when no one else could"

We went out to celebrate Arun's birthday yesterday. First it was dinner at Buca di Beppo, which is nice because in a family-style restaurant you can just order a few large dishes and don't have to sit around waiting for everyone to decide on their entree. And did you know that Beppo = Joe and Buca = (literally) hole? So Buca di Beppo (para los que pueden hablar espanol, buca no significa "boca") means Joe's Apartment or Joe's place... but literally Joe's hole. I wonder what atrocity C&O stands for now...

Then we went to North on Sunset blvd. I really enjoyed that place. We had a nice corner booth reserved for us, the same one that Dr. Dre sat at the last time Tony went there. It's a nice loungy bar, with really good music, a totally eclectic crowd, and a good looking waiter. :) But seriously, people watching was so far there, and we had the prime seats to people watch. The booth next to ours went through nice transitions... first it was the old crew (grandma and grandpa basically) then the fancy crew (this couple wearing a tuxedo and evening gown) and then the J.Crew crew (really, straight out of the catalog, sweater tied around and everything). The tux crew was nicely contrasted when two guys walked by us wearing sweatshirts, jeans, and sneakers. Nice, eh?

I myself was wearing a semi-skanky yet tasteful see-through lacy shirt with a black bra underneath. The waiter at Buca (who really didn't deserve as big of a tip as we gave him because not only did he spill Diet Coke down my back he denied it tried to play it cool) commented on how he could see my underwear... which started a whole what kind of underwear, upstairs, downstairs, uptown, downtown, northern hemisphere, south of the equator conversation. Then somehow the Lindsa(e)y H(e)artma(e)n story came into the picture. Then, absolutely pricelessly, a table of 24 of her happened to sit down to dinner near us. That was fun.

Overall, crazy evening. No need for more details here, but you can definitely ask about them later. Be sure to bring up marischino cherries, Shivani's three men, Ty the waiter, the Love Potion, Ginger-ific!, and non-discriminatory cruising along Sunset. Peace.

I am: not defined by one statement
I think: realistically
I know: the world is fucked up 
I want: to learn how to play the guitar
I have: respect for those who follow their dreams
I wish: for others' happiness
I hate: not being able to fulfill that wish
I miss: having energy
I fear: failure
I feel: insecure at times
I hear: everything from my loft
I crave: attention
I search: for meaning
I wonder: when things will actually change
I demand: to be taken seriously
I regret: not taking risks
I love: a clear sky after the rain
I ache: all over
I long: for sponteneity
I care: too much sometimes
I always: look over my shoulder before changing lanes
I am not: superficial
I believe: in giving people the benefit of the doubt
I dance: the running man
I sing: loudly in my car
I cry: when I lose hope
I do not always: make my bed in the mornings
I fight: preconceived expectations of myself
I write: when I want to be heard
I win: every time I learn something new
I lose: my train of thought

I never: want to think that I've wasted my life                                                                                          

I envy: those who know and follow their passion
I confuse: myself all the time
I listen: to the Rent Soundtrack during commutes
I can usually be found: in Franz
I am scared: that I won't find a passion to follow
I need: to be understood
I am happy about: life's simple pleasures
I expect: nothing
I should: relax more

(thanks Randall)

Arun found Jesus at the ripe young age of three.

3 units a day, some consecutive, some not. Though recently there have been many more than 3 units, which is definitely hopeful.

I've been thinking
I've been thinking I've been thinking too much
I just want to live now for a little while
And cast my dreams to the wind
Don't wanna wonder
Don't wanna wonder what it's all about
I'm just working for a living singing with my friends
As I cast my dreams to the wind

Maryland, I'm coming home
Never worry about what I did wrong
And that I'll never be what my daddy wanted me to be
And I'll never see what my mama's dreams were
But I will sing...

I wanna fly
I wanna fly down the highway to my home away from home
This funky funky club on Fairfax Avenue to see you
I'll never give up
Because what is there to give up anyway
I'm just working for a living, working for my pay
In Maryland it's raining somewhere in some cafe

Maryland, I'm coming home
Never worry about what I did wrong
And that I'll never be what my daddy wanted me to be
I'll never see what my mama's dreams were
But I can sing...

-Vonda Shepard